


this beautiful mess we call love

by ThatOneFan



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Period-Typical Homophobia, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, it's implied so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 02:31:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,374
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6885514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneFan/pseuds/ThatOneFan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky has a memory of before the war and shares it with Steve.  Because Steve is his everything now, always has been, always will be.  Until the end of the line.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this beautiful mess we call love

**Author's Note:**

> So, I went to go see Captain America: Civil War. First off, it was fucking fantastic. Second, drowning in Stucky fanfiction for two weeks kind of inspired this. Also I have headcanons that Steve and Bucky got so good at hiding their relationship they forget they don't have to.

_Queer. Steve hated that word.  But it was what people thought, not only of him, but of Bucky, too.  Two men living together like they did, people thought, it just wasn't natural, especially not for them to be so close.  But Steve couldn't live well on his own, he was too sickly, too spindly, too much of a fighter to survive on his own.  And that was where Bucky came in.  Bucky, the caretaker, the scolder, the teaser, the charmer, the everything you'd ever want in a guy.  And he had Steve.  But he had to bring a dame home now and then, just to keep the neighbors off them, even though both of them disliked it.  Couldn't afford to get ratted out, now could they.  They'd barely managed to afford their small apartment, dingy and dilapidated as it was, and they barely managed to keep it every month.  And Steve didn't want to think about what would happen when Bucky got shipped off, as much as he tried to convince himself he would be fine, that he didn't need Bucky the way he needed to breathe, he was lying to himself.  Everytime he thought about Bucky leaving, it felt like his heart was being torn from his chest.  Because as much as Bucky promised he'd come back, Steve knew that wasn't exactly a promise he could keep.  And Steve had tried to enlist, had wanted to be alongside Bucky, but he'd been rejected, because no one wanted a 90-pound asthmatic runt in the army._

_"......When do you leave ??"  Steve had asked one night over dinner, forcing Bucky to stop and look at him and to speak for the first time that night.  "Couple weeks."  He said, staring down at his plate.  Steve felt familiar tears prick at the corners of his eyes as he stood.  "Stevie, where do you think you're goin' ??  Stevie !!"  But Steve was already out the door and starting down the block.  He didn't want to think about it, didn't want Bucky to leave and not be there with him.  "Steve, what the hell do you think you're doin' ??"  Bucky shouted, making Steve stop in his tracks, but he refused to turn and face him, refused to let Bucky see him upset.  "I don't wanna talk to you."  Steve managed, voice shaking, almost as if he were about to cry.  "Stevie-"  "Don't 'Stevie' me, Buck !!"  Steve **rarely** used that tone with him.  It meant he was upset, and didn't want to talk about it.  Slowly, Bucky made his way towards the blonde, placing a firm grip on his shoulder, as much affection as he could show in public, and he leaned down close to talk._

_"I know you're upset about me leavin', babydoll, but I promise I'll come back.  It'll take more than that to get rid of me."  And Steve laughed, pushing Bucky playfully as he smiled.  "You **are** stubborn as hell.  Like a stain that just won't come out, you know ??"  Bucky feigned offense and laughed.  "What do you say we get home before you,"  Bucky shoved Steve's head playfully, "get pneumonia again ??"  Steve rolled his eyes as Bucky threw an arm around his shoulders, saying he wouldn't get sick again as they walked home.  But Steve  **did** get sick, but it was just a bad cold.  And just like always, Bucky was there to take care of him.  "Love you, Buck."  Steve would smile through his fever as he croaked out the words and Bucky would smile and shake his head with a soft chuckle.  "Love you, too, Stevie."  
_

* * *

"Whatcha thinkin' about, Buck ??"  Steve asked, taking a seat beside Bucky as the brunette stared off into space again.  Steve gave his shoulder a light squeeze, and Bucky didn't flinch at the touch, because this sort of thing had become natural between them once again, just as it had been long ago.  "Just....stuff before the war."  Bucky gave a reminiscent smile, one that was battle worn and tired, one that showed his age, one that was reserved for one blonde supersoldier.  "You remember something ??"  The question was no longer hopeful as much as it was a regularity between them by now.  Bucky would regain bits and pieces and Steve would ask him what he remembered, if he wanted to talk about it.  Because somethings wre less pleasant than others.  Though, judging by the way Bucky looked at him, Steve figured it was a good memory, or at least it had good parts in it.  "Yeah.  I.....I remembered somethin'."  Bucky nodded, looking down at his hands, curling and uncurling his metal fist.  Steve simply watched from where he was sat, waiting for Bucky to speak when he was ready to.  After a momentary silence, Steve looked down before saying anything.  "Do you, uh, want to talk about it ??  I mean, I guess not if it's something bad."  Bucky smiles the same smile before he shakes his head.  "It's a good memory, Stevie.  It's....one about us."  Steve's cheeks flush hot but he gives Bucky a signal to continue, leaning back in his seat on the couch.

".....You were....upset about me bein' shipped off, and you stormed out.  You went out into the winter weather without a jacket, and you got.....a block away, maybe.  I called you babydoll.  You said I was like a stubborn stain.  You got sick with a cold after that."  Steve smiles fondly.  He remembered that fight, though it hadn't been much of a fight, really.  It was just him being irrational and scared and childish, and Bucky being the adult like usual.  "...Everytime you woke up from your fever nap you'd tell me you loved me."  Bucky smiled warmly, leaning up to ghost his lips against Steve's jaw, to which the blonde in question laughs lowly, the sound reverberating in his chest.  Bucky laughs too, the sound warm and familiar and his breath warm against Steve's neck.  The blonde turns his head and their lips brush just slightly, but it's enough for Steve to scoot back a little, nervous laughter escaping him.  It's a reflex, really, from a time where their kind of love wasn't allowed, where Steve got beat up on the streets for even being  _suspected_ of not being sweet on some girl.  But he forgets often, that they're no longer in the forties, and that their love is okay now.

"Sorry."  Steve mutters, the word twinged with guilt as he moves back, placing a hand on Bucky's shoulder with a smile.  Bucky places a hand over Steve's and says, "I know."  Because he understands, going for so long feeling like you're a freak of nature for loving someone you're not supposed to love and believing everything people said about you and people like you.  He remembered the times people would whisper about him and Steve being queer, and they'd distance themselves walking on the sidewalk, even stop glancing at one another.  But those times are long gone, and the world is a more accepting place, more accepting of different kinds of love.  And they both recognize that, but that does not mean that they don't forget, they don't separate when someone walks in the room.  It's a conditioned response, a battle-hardened reflex.  Because God knows they've been fighting battles longer than they've been fighting wars.  A light squeeze to Steve's hand brings him back to reality, back to Bucky sitting in front of him with that dorky, love-struck grin on his face before he speaks.  "Can I kiss you, babydoll ??"

And of course, Steve says yes.  And it's soft and sweet and full of love, just like their kisses in the forties.  When Bucky pulls away, he's grinning like a madman and so is Steve, though the blonde's cheeks have a decent flush to them.  "I love you, Buck."  And Bucky smiles, and it's not the one that's tired or worn down or hinting at sadness.  It is bright and familiar and warm like the sun, and it's something Steve hasn't seen in a while, and he feels his heart melt a little, though it's not as though he wasn't already weak for Bucky in general, but his smile was something Steve lived for.

"Love you, too, babydoll."


End file.
